I didn’t expect to write another blog about the pandemic. This, I think, is a perfect example of what is going on inside of me at the moment and perhaps inside of some of you reading this as well. I haven’t written a blog post in nearly six months, mostly because I have been distracted, but also because I feel stuck in a way that I rarely do with writing. I’ve started countless blog posts, only to abandon them half-written. Then it occurred to me what I really need to write about.
I’ve been feeling unhappy, and I haven’t been able to figure out exactly why. On the outside, my life is really great (like genuinely) and I appreciate it immensely while at the same time feeling this deep-seated dissatisfaction that seems to have taken root. I started off ignoring it, then I judged it (because look at how great my life is and how hard other people have it – I know, I would immediately point out to a client that others’ suffering does not negate mine). I’ve been analyzing it, brainstorming problem-solving techniques to combat it, even sitting with it and allow it to exist without trying to change it (like I preach to my clients). Yesterday I finally figured it out, and here we are today.
I thought it was over. I thought that we had turned a corner with Covid. I thought that the year/year and a half of anxiety, isolation, simultaneous over- and under-stimulation, fear, helplessness (the list goes on…) was over. I had somewhat convinced myself along with this that things were improving politically, that racial injustice was finally being addressed so change can happen, and that people who preach hate were starting to quiet. It’s amazing how I can be so self-aware on one hand and yet so loudly distract myself from what feels overwhelming on the other. I do appreciate the part of me that has been trying so hard to protect me from facing the truth around me, but it wasn’t quite working.
So now I must face the truth. Things are getting worse. Things are better in many ways, but also just as bad or worse in others. And I must live with this as a reality. I need a bit of time to mourn again, to prepare for what’s ahead – and that’s ok. I will allow this time for myself. Because while we’re not through it, we know more. We have more protection, more information, more comfort over this no longer being new, knocking us off balance. We’ve done it before, and we can do it again. And despite how disheartened I feel over what is happening in the world around me, I can acknowledge it while still noticing the things that are working, the connections to others that bring me joy, and the love that is in my world. Some days will be easier than others, but at least now my eyes are fully open to it all.
