Boundaries

In grad school, my professors continually reinforced the need to create extremely strong boundaries between myself as the therapist and my clients. One discussed how awkward it was to unexpectedly run into a client at a social event and the stiff way she avoided being too personal and unprofessional. The thought of this rubbed me the wrong way from the beginning, and I struggled with coinciding my natural tendency to connect on a personal level with keeping professional distance like I was taught. I assumed that boundaries would be a great challenge for me, as it just felt innately wrong to take them to the extent described, and I found that to be true when I first started meeting with clients. Of course, the more I worked with clients, the more I realized that boundaries can mean different things to different people.

I think boundaries are incredibly important within a therapeutic relationship, not only to make sure that the focus remains securely on the client and to protect the therapist, but also to model appropriate boundaries for other relationships in a client’s life. I have realized that many clients think that boundaries are harsh separations requiring extreme confrontation to establish, and I am happy to help show that more often than not, they are lovingly and gently established for a healthier relationship. And this is how I view my personal boundaries in therapy.

My boundaries with my clients are undoubtedly thinner than those of my grad school professors, but I’ve realized that does not make them inherently wrong. I have found that my boundaries vary from client to client, much like the individual therapy work that occurs. There are some clients who are very cleared focused on their work and have no interest in my life, and I respect that and accommodate their needs. But there are many clients who actually need more interaction from me in order to feel comfortable opening up. Some will even only open up if they feel that the relationship is mutually beneficial (which, for the record, it pretty much always is). With these clients, I am happy to share my personal experiences or more specific details of my life.

BUT. The only way I feel that this more intimate sharing is appropriate is if I check in with myself and make sure that I am sharing for the benefit of my client and NOT because it makes ME feel good. (Forgive the capitalizations, but this is extremely important to note.) The way I have found peace within myself and the leaner boundaries that I have created is by holding myself to this standard. If my sharing will make you more comfortable to go deeper, I am all for it. I have nothing to hide. But at the end of the day, I am still being paid to provide a service, and as long as the focus remains on helping and exploring, I am an open book.